By KL Storm
A Fiction Christmas Story
[Note: Contains brief depictions of domestic violence]
December 17, 1998
“Sean, be careful on this ice. Stop please. Don’t get too far ahead of Mommy.”
Allison huffed and puffed as she swapped the big old suitcase from one hand to the other. With the rapidly vanishing daylight not helping matters, she nearly lost her footing again in one of the many icy ruts that had been stamped into the sidewalk by previous pedestrians.
Her seven-year-old son kept on racing in front of her despite her rebukes to stay close. The hours of car travel they endured had left him wired. As agile as he was- she was still just waiting for him to take a spill and make the inevitable face plant into the ground.
Just down the sidewalk about a hundred yards, the welcome sight of a bus stop shelter came into view. How she wished the old car her friend let her take hadn’t broken down, just as she arrived in town earlier that afternoon. Still, she was thankful it got them as far as it did, and that she was even able to limp it to a service station. The repair shop had closed early that day for some strange reason, but she would just find a phone and call about it in the morning.
If she would have enough money to fix it…God only knew. That was a problem for another day. Right now, she only cared about getting Sean somewhere safe and warm for the night.
“Go to that bus stop Sean! See the little building?”
Allison got to the translucent hut and let the suitcase drop to the ground from her numb hand, and then collapsed onto the cold steel bench under the shelter next to Sean. She pulled him close to her body.
“Are you warm enough?”
His cheeks were rosy, but to her relief he didn’t seem cold under his winter layers. He swung his legs back and forth off the edge of the bench and nodded his head.
“Good.” She glanced at the bus schedule tacked to the wall amongst the graffiti, paper advertising flyers, and lost dog posters. She breathed a sigh of relief. The next bus to the central terminal was due any minute.
“Mommy are you scared?”
Allison swallowed and felt a stab of pain deep in her chest. She didn’t like to lie, but…
Exhaling steam into the December air before answering, she squeezed her son’s shoulder.
“No honey. We’re gonna be okay now. Trust me, okay?”
He smiled. “Okay.”
She smiled back and kissed his forehead just as the bus pulled up.
***
A short while later, the bus rumbled up to the central terminal, and they got out of the vehicle and went inside the building. She gripped Sean’s hand in hers as she walked, and he skipped. The station was warm and well lit. A busker played a guitar halfway down the length of the platform.
Allison felt some of the tension pent up in her shoulders from a mix of the cold and anxiety begin to melt away just a bit. As she neared the musician, the familiarity of the melody he picked registered in her mind.
“I heard the bells on Christmas day…” She automatically found herself singing the words to the tune under her breath, even though it had honestly been ages since she’d heard the song…or had much to do with celebrating Christmas. Ray never allowed it in his household.
Was there hope for that to change this year? Still not likely, even though he was in her rear-view mirror.
She made brief eye contact with the performer as she approached and felt compelled to put something in his tip jar. A few measly cents from the bottom of her coat pocket, it was all she could spare to make sure she still had enough for another bus fare.
She gave it to Sean and told him to put it in the man’s jar…a task that he completed with much excitement. Instruments fascinated the kid. Allison sighed…one day she would be able to afford music lessons for her son, she would make sure of it.
The bald man finished the tune and nodded to them with a faint smile of appreciation. “Thank you.”
Allison nodded and waved back shyly as she continued towards the information booth located at the far end of the building. As she approached the attendant at the kiosk, she felt her confidence in what she was doing begin to drain away. Embarrassment and shame threatened to take over, but she bit back against it. This was the strongest, most heroic thing she’d done in a long time. For Sean, and for herself. She had to keep telling herself that.
Allison took a deep breath. “Hi, I’m not from around here.” She paused and tried to keep her voice low. “Can you tell me, um… where the closest and cheapest motel is?”
The attendant reached behind him for a bus schedule pamphlet. “South Street Motel. Take bus number eight to stop five, and you can’t miss it. The next bus should be here in twenty minutes.”
She took the pamphlet from the attendant. She didn’t exactly have a great feeling about this motel, but it would have to do. “Thank you so much.”
She turned back to Sean and led him away from the kiosk. She nodded to a nearby bench against the wall. “C’mon, let’s go sit over there, we need to wait a bit for our next bus.”
Allison felt resistance against her arm as Sean balked. His face contorted into an expression she knew too well.
“Mommy, I have to go potty.”
Allison sighed and looked around for restroom signs. Luckily there was one and she began to walk towards it
“Ok bud, we’re going right now.
Once inside the women’s bathroom with Sean and her cumbersome suitcase, she ushered him into a stall and stood right outside of it to hold the door shut and wait.
As she stood there, she noticed an unattended purse sitting on the edge of one of the sinks. Then an elderly woman with long white hair ambled out of one of the other stalls. She looked frazzled, lost, and kept turning around in circles.
Allison bit her lip. Maybe the purse was hers, that might make sense.
“Uh, hi there ma’am…is everything okay?”
She threw her hands up in the air. “My keys…I can’t find them. They’re gone!”
Allison frowned. She heard Sean flush the toilet. “Is that your handbag right there at the sink? Maybe your keys are in there?”
A big smile spread across the woman’s face. “Oh yes! That’s my purse! Fiddlesticks, silly old me.”
She went for it and began rummaging through the compartments, picking up odds and ends and dropping much of the contents into the sink and onto the filthy floor. She produced a hairbrush from the bag and then fixated her attention of her reflection in the mirror as she repeatedly ran the bristles through her long snowy locks.
Still no keys? Hmm…
Allison found herself at loss for words, so she turned her attention back to her son.
“You all done in there, Sean? Do you need help?”
“Nope. All done!”
“Good job, kiddo.”
Allison opened the stall door, ushered him towards the sinks, and gave him a boost so he could reach to wash his hands. Sean looked over at the old lady who was still standing there brushing her hair.
“Hi!” He flapped his hand at her.
She stopped brushing mid stroke and stared at Sean. First her face looked blank, then Allison noticed her lips trembling, then she began to smile. She looked at Allison and clasped her hands together in front of her chest. Her eyes grew shiny with moisture.
“By golly. I can’t believe it…You’ve come back! My dear, you’re home!”
In a split second, she lunged towards Sean and Allison and tried to reach out and touch them.
Allison’s heart began to race and the hair on her neck stood up on end. What? None of this made sense. Flung into panic mode, she snatched Sean backwards and clutched him to her body.
No, no, no. Nobody’s supposed to know us here. Impossible.
“Hey now, back off,” she snapped as she turned away. “I don’t know you.”
She made a run for the bathroom door with Sean whimpering and dashed back out into public view in the main terminal.
Breathe…It’s just an old lady. What’s she gonna do to us? She tried to calm herself with some rational thought, but it didn’t work. Instead, the memory of her psychotic now ex-husband lunging at her in the barnyard with a cattle prod flashed through her mind.
Allison looked back over her shoulder and saw the elderly woman exiting the bathroom as well. Thankfully, she moved at the pace of a turtle.
She gripped at Sean’s arm. “Come on, let’s keep walking. I think I see our bus outside.”
“But momma,” Sean whined. “Legs tired!” He kept looking back over his shoulder too.
As Allison kept walking away to keep distance from the lady, she noticed the man who had been playing guitar earlier coming towards her. His focus was on not on her though.
“Mom! There you are, I was getting worried…come please. I’m packing up for the day.”
Allison stopped in her tracks and turned to look behind her one more time. He was clearly talking to the old lady on her tail… his mom apparently?
“Nathan, look! I found Ruth! It’s our sweet Ruthie and little Jack too. She came back! Oh, I always knew God would bring her back to us.”
She had on the brightest smile as she pointed at Allison and Sean. Allison bristled again and wanted to bolt.
The man pressed his palm to his forehead as he made uneasy eye contact with Allison. He looked bewildered. Maybe he sensed that Allison was spooked.
“Oh, dear me. Miss, I’m so sorry about this. I-”
Allison found herself paralyzed. She couldn’t speak.
The man reached for the lady’s wrinkled hand and gently pulled her away from Allison. “Wow, that’s wonderful. Okay Mom, easy now… here, let’s give them some space.”
She frowned at him. “No Nathan, they’re coming home with us…forever. They must.”
The man looked at Allison again. “Please, don’t mind her,” he said in a hushed tone. “She’s my mother in-law…her memory…it just tends to get jumbled these days.”
The joyous look on the confused woman’s face turned into one of distress. She groped at the air in Sean’s direction one more time. “Jack dear, don’t you want a hug? Grandma just wants a hug; it’s been too long!”
That was the breaking point for Allison. She gritted her teeth. “No. No hugs. Get the heck away from us.”
With a burst of adrenaline-fueled strength, she scooped Sean up, threw him over her shoulder, and took off running for the closest exit that led to the outdoor section of the platform.
Relief washed over her as she spotted bus number eight waiting in a nearby bay.
Thank God. We’re outta here.
She got on board, paid the fare, and then collapsed into the nearest seat with Sean. It wasn’t until the bus was already leaving the terminal and turning onto Main Street that Allison had a devastating realization.
In her haste to get away from the ridiculous situation…she’d dropped her suitcase and left it behind in the station!
The dam broke. She covered her face with her hands and desperately tried to stop the tears. But she couldn’t.
How much more stupid can I get? I shouldn’t have snapped like that…shouldn’t have run. What am I even doing here? Why do I even try anymore?
The twinkling of the Christmas lights that decked the downtown shops along the road that the bus traveled felt like they were mocking her in some sort of way. There was nothing holly jolly about it.
Now she and her son really had next to nothing but clothes on their backs.
***
Allison awoke the next morning, staring up at moldy water rings in the ceiling tiles.
Where am I?
Her disorientation only lasted a few seconds before the events of the previous day came flooding back. Her hasty exodus from her small hometown thanks to Ray coming around to “win her back”, AKA…stalk her. A broken-down car. The crazy old lady from the bus terminal bathroom. Her lost luggage…and then finally checking into the roach infested motel.
She sat up, rubbed her eyes, and turned her neck to check on Sean lying next to her. He still slept peacefully and seeing him in that state calmed her nerves too. She took advantage of the extra moments of quiet and laid back down until Sean started to awaken.
After a shower and a filling breakfast from the soup kitchen across the street, it was time to try to call the bus station and see if anyone had turned her bag in to the lost and found. She determined to maintain some hope that people would still be kind enough to do the right thing, rather than just run off with or ransack her meager belongings.
Of course, the phone in the motel room didn’t work right, so she went to the payphone outside of the motel lobby.
Much to her delight and relief, someone had indeed turned in a suitcase that sounded a lot like hers! Now she just needed to go back and claim it. An uneasy feeling stirred in the pit of her stomach, as she thought about the station and the strange events of the night before. She didn’t feel so much frightened now as she did guilty for how she reacted to and spoke to that woman and her son in-law.
She wished she hadn’t snapped and acted so cold. That wasn’t like her normally. She let the stress of everything get the best of her last night.
If the man happened to be playing carols again that day when she went back to retrieve her bag, she would go apologize. She couldn’t let the circumstances of her failed marriage make her into a completely rotten human being.
A few hours later, Allison and Sean walked off the bus and back into the bustling terminal. The attendant at the information kiosk directed them to a dark, creepy staircase that brought them down to the damp basement where the main office and lost and found was located.
When she recovered her bag, she was relieved that the contents appeared undisturbed. Allison felt a little closer to getting ahead in life. At least back to where she was, with clean clothes to wear so she could present herself better and go and start looking for work.
Back up in the main platform area of the station, she scanned around the crowd of people congregated around for any sign of the man from the night before. At first glance, it looked like a Salvation Army bell ringer was set up in the approximate area that the man had his instruments staged in previously.
“Look Momma! It’s the guitar man.”
Allison whirled around in a circle. How strange that Sean remembered, noticed and seemed to know that was exactly who she was looking for…she hadn’t said a word about it. But alas, there he was. She spotted him in the direction Sean pointed. Just a little further down the platform this time.
“Wow, there he is indeed.”
Her heart began to pound as she stepped closer. What would he say? Would he be mad at her? Maybe he’d just ignore her all together.
He knelt on the ground, rummaging through a duffel bag of stuff. His back faced her as she approached. She just stood there cautiously and waited for him to get up and turned around. He did, and they made eye contact. He squinted at her at first, looking confused.
“Uh, hi again,” Allison mumbled as Sean twisted her hand in an awkward position. She put her suitcase down on the ground.
“Oh! Well, what do you know…hello there…” His voice trailed off. He gestured to her suitcase, and a small smile formed on his face. “I’m so glad you got that back. I felt bad when I gave it to security last night. I knew you’d be worried it was stolen.” He shook his head. “Been there, done that.”
She felt herself blushing. “Thank you so much for turning it in…really, you have no idea.” She hesitated for a few seconds. “Look, I’m so sorry about last night, I was rude to you and your mother. I panicked.”
He sighed and shook his head. “No, no…don’t beat yourself up about it, I get it. I’m sorry about that. I didn’t see that coming from her and it was rather extreme. She’s never acted out like that before.”
A sudden posture of sorrow overtook the man. “Ruth and Jack…they were my wife and little boy. They are never coming back…we buried them five years ago this month.”
“Oh. I’m so sorry,” she said softly. “How very sad.”
He inhaled slowly. “That was the first time Helen has ever shown confusion about the fact that they are dead. It really worries me the more I think about it. Some hard decisions are on the horizon I fear.”
Allison didn’t know what else to say, so she just stood there awkwardly. She felt bad for him.
The man extended his hand. “My name is Nate.”
She reached out and squeezed his hand gently. “Allison.”
He smiled and nodded towards her son. “And who is this little fellow?”
Sean suddenly decided to be bashful, and he hopped behind Allison to hide.
“This is my son Sean. Looks like he wants to play shy right now.” She shook her head.
“That’s okay.” Nate squatted down to Sean’s level. “Hey there Sean, do you happen to like musical instruments?”
Sean stepped out from behind Allison about halfway and smiled warily.
Allison filled in. “Actually, He loves them. I hope to be able to get him into music lessons soon.”
Nate chuckled. “Ha, I knew it, I could tell by the look on his face yesterday.” He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a business card and handed it to Allison. “Well if you are in the market, I just so happen to teach lessons at my studio most evenings. Kids are the primary focus and guitar is my specialty.”
“Oh.” Allison looked down at the information on the card. She felt a lump forming in her throat. “That’s cool, really great. I, uh…” She immediately felt self-conscious and ashamed of her hard scrabble situation. She would melt into the concrete if she could.
“Sorry, no pressure. Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable again or anything,” Nate said.
She swallowed hard and slipped the card into her coat pocket. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”
He looked at her, then at the ground, then back at her. “I just need to ask. Are you and your son okay, ma’am? Do you need anything…anything at all?”
Allison’s lip twitched. Could this character see right through her?
“Yes, yes, we’re good. Just new in town and I’m looking for a job, but other than that…all is well.” She smiled, hoping her cheery expression would hide the unease she felt.
Nate nodded. “Okay, good. I just wanted to make sure.”
“Well, I don’t mean to hold you up here, but I need to get going too,” Allison said as she picked up her suitcase again.
Nate waved at her. “Of course, likewise. Have a good day, Allison. Bye-bye Sean.”
Allison laced her fingers together with Sean’s. “And thanks for the information, I hope to be in touch soon!”
“You’re welcome.”
She turned and started walking away. But then she heard Nate’s voice again.
“Hey, wait! Allison?”
She reversed direction. “Yes?”
“I’d like to offer your son a guitar lesson or two, just to see how it would go and all. For free. We could do it right here if you’d like. What do you say?”
“Wait, for free?” She didn’t trust her ears. “Are you sure?”
“Promise. Consider it, hmm…” He mused aloud as he rubbed his chin. “Consider it a gift from Santa.”
Allison was nervous about what the stranger was proposing, but something inside told her to accept the offer- so she did.
***
December 23, 1998
On the day before Christmas Eve, Allison brought Sean back to the bus terminal for his first free trial music lesson with Nate. She sat on a bench next to them and observed quietly. The two seemed to bond almost instantly. Sean had a huge grin on his face as Nate showed him how to hold the guitar. Nate acted as if he’d known Sean since birth.
It warmed Allison to her core to see their interaction. Sean had never known a good father figure. His biological dad-Allison’s high school boyfriend- had vanished as soon as the pregnancy was revealed. Then Ray came along. He was no better, as he never wanted much to do with Sean since he wasn’t his child by blood. His coldness towards Sean was a huge warning sign that Allison deeply regretted ignoring before deciding to get married.
As she continued to sit there, she felt a breeze and heard shuffling footsteps behind her. With one glance over her shoulder, she jumped in surprise.
It was Helen again.
They locked eyes.
Allison gave her a timid wave. “Hi there.”
Helen studied her, but the blank expression remained on her face. Her attention drifted over to Sean and Nate.
That was when her face changed. She turned back to Alison with her mouth hanging open. “Ruthie! You came back!”
Allison’s lips quivered. Okay, here she goes again.
“Little Jack, you’ve brought Jack too!” She pointed to Sean on the other bench.
Nate stopped the strumming on his guitar and stood up as soon as he realized what was commencing.
“Mom! What are you doing out here now? I thought Edith was taking you to the hairdresser this afternoon. What happened?”
She wagged her head. “Edith? I don’t know where Edith is…but look Nathen, look! Ruth and Jack are right here! They came back, I always knew they would.”
Nate looked exasperated and embarrassed. He turned to Allison. “I’m so sorry again ma’am, I don’t believe this.”
He started towards Helen, looking determined to intervene with more force than was necessary.
So this time around, Allison took it upon herself to act differently. She put out her hand to stop him. “Wait a minute, hold it please. It’s okay.”
Nate looked surprised at her admonishment, but he backed off without another peep.
It just seemed like the right thing to do, so Allison continued. She took a breath, turned towards Helen and smiled. “It’s so good to see you too.”
With tears on her cheeks, Helen took hold of Allison’s hand. Allison gently squeezed the weathered palm in retort. For a moment, the whole world seemed to grow quiet. It had been ages since she felt something so pure.
“Ruth, I’m so happy you’re home.” A soft gasp escaped her. “Just in time for Christmas.”
A bittersweet feeling filled Allison for multiple reasons. “Aww..me too.”
“We’ve got a lot of work to do to get ready!”
Alison glanced quickly at Nate. He just stood there looking heartbroken.
“Excuse me please,” he mumbled, barely making eye contact as he walked past them. He vaporized into the sea of people milling around the station.
Allison bit her lip. Maybe playing along with Helen’s fantasies wasn’t the right thing to do after all. The man was clearly shaken, probably thanks to her ripping open painful wounds. Not a great way to make friends.
“Jack, what a big boy you are now!” Helen turned her focus to Sean. He looked bewildered.
“But my name’s not Jack…it’s Se-”
Helen just burst out laughing at him.
“Oh, you’re a silly goose…just how Grandma likes it.”
Sean got up off the bench and wrapped himself around Allison. He looked overwhelmed. Poor kid.
She patted his back. “It’s okay kiddo.”
“Is the teacher coming back?”
Allison looked over her shoulder. “Probably, I think he just needed a potty break or something.”
He grinned. “Ok.”
Nate did come back a few minutes later. His eyes looked a touch red, but he appeared less agitated.
“Sorry about that,” he said. He paused and opened his mouth again, looking like he was about to say more. But before he could, he was interrupted by a petite woman with short, curly silver hair.
“Oh good heavens…Edith? Well hello.” He smacked his palm on his forehead. “I know who you’re here for. This is a mess.”
“Yes, I came looking for you Helen,” she replied with her hands on her hips, looking straight at Helen with a less than thrilled expression on her face. “We were going to get our hair done, remember? We are going to be late if we don’t hurry now.”
“Oh fiddlesticks, silly old me!” She shook her head. “I’m sorry Edith. But look here…look who I found!”
Helen launched into the same narrative as before. Poor Edith looked flummoxed, her eyes kept darting back and forth between Allison, Sean, Nate and Helen.
Finally, Nate stepped in again. He stepped over to Helen and draped his arm around her shoulder. “Okay Mom, listen for a moment. Please go with Edith to your hair appointment like you planned. You need it, it will make you feel so much better. Ruth and Jack will still be around when you get back, okay?”
Nate exhaled in relief as Helen conceded to leave the bus station with Edith.
He turned back to Allison once again. “Hey, can I take you and Sean out for a late lunch? I think we need to talk, and here is not the best place. Don’t worry, the cost is on me.”
She nodded through her simmering anxiety. “Okay, let’s do it.”
“Let me lock up my gear in the car, and then we can go. There is a café just a block away that I think you’d like. We can walk if you’re up to it.”
***
The café was not very busy when the three of them got there and closing time was in an hour. They were seated and promptly put their orders into the kitchen. The waitress brought Sean a tin can full of crayons so he could color on his paper placemat while awaiting the food. He quickly became engrossed in his art project.
Allison sat and fidgeted. She wasn’t quite sure what to make of this “date.”
Nate turned his attention to her. His composure remained solemn. “God knows I’ll never get over losing Ruth and Jack.”
He pulled a small photograph out of his wallet and passed it to Allison. It was of Nate, a young woman, and a child. The boy in the picture looked to be about three or four, but Allison was struck by a shocking sameness that he in fact did share with Sean. It made sense that Helen probably saw that too, which aided the confusing episodes.
The ticking of the large clock on the wall grew eerily deafening in the silence of the dead restaurant. She felt a knot in her chest tighten and she had to moisten her parched lips with her tongue before replying.
She tenderly handed the photo back to him. “I don’t think most people can or are even supposed to get over something as tragic as that. And Nate, I’m so sorry if the way I interacted with Helen hurt you.”
He shook his head. “No, it’s not anything you did that hurt me, please don’t think that.” He twisted a paper napkin in his hands. “I thought it was really sweet of you, actually.”
She looked down into her lap. “Oh. Okay, well that’s good.”
Nate took a sip of water as soon as the waitress brought out drinks. “So what’s your story, Allison? What brings you to this city anyway?”
She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. It was time for honesty. “As cliché as it may sound, I came out here to start over. And would you believe that my car also broke down when I got in? Just like the movies.”
“Oh no, gee whiz!”
She picked up one of the crayons and started doodling on her placemat. “I’ve made nothing but bad relationship choices in my past and because of that, I had to get out in a hurry and go far away. Not only was I in danger, but so was Sean…and he’s done nothing to deserve that.”
“I think I know what you’re talking about. I had a hunch. That’s rough.”
She put the crayon down. “My ex-husband is above the law in the little farm town we come from. You know, it’s the sort of thing where he’s good friends with the whole police department, so he can do no wrong in their eyes. I feared I didn’t stand a chance going about it any other way.”
Embarrassment nibbled at her. “We’re living in a nearby motel for the moment. Hopefully I can change that quickly.”
Nate just shook his head. She could see his eyes turning glossy. “So you really do wish you had a home to go to for Christmas, huh?”
She shrugged. That was complicated too. “In some ways.”
His brow creased, then relaxed. “Unless you don’t celebrate that is, which I also understand. To tell you the truth, I haven’t wanted to have much to do with Christmas since the year of the fire. It just became another day to muddle through.”
“The fire?”
“The house fire that killed them.”
Allison cringed. “Oh.”
He settled back in his chair. “So, here’s little about me. Ruth and I played in a band called Old Cheese during college, that was how we met and started dating. We got married a few years down the road, and Jack was born. At that point we’d managed to become quite successful with the band. We were doing a lot of touring in a nasty old van, with a toddler in tow of course.”
Allison had to chuckle a bit as images came to her mind. “Wow, sounds like an interesting life.”
“Oh yeah, we had fun, but once the Jack came along, we got tired of it quickly. Never being home and a rock and roll kind of lifestyle isn’t exactly the best environment for raising a kid. Long story short, we ended up dropping out of the group. We then bought a house that needed a lot of renovation. But that was one of Ruth’s dreams…to fix up a house like that.”
He took another sip of water. “Now I wasn’t about to quit music totally, and I still needed to make money too, so that’s when I changed my focus to teaching rather than performing as much.”
“Ah, makes sense.”
“Life was quite wonderful for a while there.” Nate paused and his composure fell. “Until the day some faulty wiring sparked the terrible blaze, and it all went to hell. The only reason I’m probably still here is because I wasn’t home when it happened. I wish I had been most days.”
She shook her head. “I can’t imagine.”
“And poor Helen…It’s as if all the heartache has aged her twenty years in the past five.” He sighed. “I’m glad I ended up just moving in with her…especially now.”
The waitress brought the food out to the table, and they began to eat. It was a good thing too because Sean was growing quite antsy. Allison cut his food into smaller bites for him and covered it in ketchup. She’d discovered copious amounts of his favorite condiment would get him to eat most things he’d otherwise not touch.
She handed him a fork. “What do you say to Nate for being so kind to get you such a yummy lunch?”
Sean looked up and grinned. “Thank you!”
Nate chuckled. “You’re welcome.”
Allison was still curious about something Nate had said. She finished chewing her mouthful and put the sandwich down.
“I hope you don’t take this wrong, but I must ask. If you still can’t bear to celebrate Christmas, why the Christmas carols?”
Nate squinted at her as if he didn’t get what she was alluding to.
She explained further. “The night I got to town and you were playing music in the bus station. They were Christmas songs.”
“Oh, that.” He finally caught on. “Well, it’s just part of my job at this time of the year. Parents want their kids to learn how to play the Christmas classics, so I teach them. And people listening as they pass by want to hear the songs that put them in the holiday spirit. I just do it for others, it doesn’t mean much personally.”
“Hmm, I see.” She took another small bite of food. “I’ve honestly forgotten what it’s like to feel that holiday spirit. Although I think your music did do a little something for me back there. I, uh-”
A flashback choked her. The one of Ray throwing the hot baking sheet of cookies that she made back at her, because he caught her trying to ‘rebel’ and ‘partake’ in ungodly festivities. All because she dared to bake cookies in the month of December.
Nate cocked his head. “I’m listening.”
She squeezed her fists together under the table, then released them and took a deep breath. “My ex was a sort of religious nut. He has always been part of this church that likes to forbid anything that might bring people joy- like celebrating Christmas.”
Nate looked baffled. “Wait, why would they do that? At its heart, isn’t Christmas a Christian holiday about the birth of Jesus? Or have I totally lost my marbles?”
“They think it’s bad because our modern way of observing it has a dark, pagan underbelly…or something like that. I never agreed with most of what they taught about a lot of things. I just kept my mouth shut and pretended to go along with it. Because If I didn’t, things with Ray would get…”
“Ugly?” Nate finished the sentence for her.
“Exactly.”
He winced. “That’s a new one by me, crazy idiots. You poor thing.”
She shrugged. “It is what it is. I’m just happy to be focused on moving forward now.”
They ate in an uneasy silence for a few minutes.
But Allison’s mind rewound again, but this time just back to Helen earlier that day. That look of unbridled happiness on the woman’s face when she gushed about her family being home for Christmas. She couldn’t forget it.
“You sure you’re, okay?” Nate looked at her, his brow furrowing.
She hesitated. “It’s about your mother-in-law. I think I know what she needs right now. Heck, I think we all might need it.”
“Okay, Go on.” Nate propped his elbows up on the table and folded his hands together. “I’m all ears.”
Allison pushed down the last of her apprehension. “She needs some Christmas back in her life this year. I know it probably feels crazy or maybe even impossible, but I think you should follow her lead.”
Nate looked like he might resist, but then relaxed. “You might be right. It just feels overwhelming though…she used to go all out making the holidays amazing for everyone. I fear I can’t sustain what used to be.”
“You don’t have to, just keep it simple. Focus on the stuff that really matters.”
He sighed but cracked a smile. “I believe you are wise beyond your years, ma’am. I’m more of a stubborn old stone.”
She chuckled. “I don’t know about that.”
“I know we really just met, and you have plenty of reason to be wary of strangers… but I’m going to go out on a limb here.” He pushed his plate away and looked her dead in the eyes. “Allison, would you be willing to somehow help Helen and I rediscover Christmas in our home this year?”
She felt a lump forming in her throat and hesitated. “Yes, I think I can manage that. We can all be a little rusty together, and that’s alright.”
“Good, and in return, I need to see what can be done about getting you and Sean some better accommodations. You deserve somewhere much safer. The cheap motels in this city are not okay, trust me.”
She blushed but said nothing.
Nate scribbled something down on a napkin. “This is my home phone number, not the music studio one on my business card. Please call me tomorrow morning, okay?
She took the folded napkin, slipped it into her pocket, and smiled. “I will.”
***
Christmas Eve, 1998
“Hello, is this Nate?” Allison held the phone receiver tightly against her ear that next morning.
“Allison! Is that you?” Nate’s voice on the other end of the line sounded the most excited she’d heard him yet.
“Indeed…you told me to call, so yeah.” Her teeth chattered as she pulled on the hood of her jacket to keep it from blowing off her head in the cold wind. She had Sean snuggled against her.
“Good. Are you sure you’re still up for this? Please tell me the truth.”
“I haven’t changed my mind.”
“Wonderful, I’m glad. When do you want to come over and surprise Helen?”
Allison changed positions so that the wind blew against her back rather than her face. She informed Nate that she found out her car was finally able to be fixed, and it was at the mechanic’s shop ready to be picked up. She had to get it before noon, because the shop would be closing then for the holiday.
She certainly wanted to drive her own vehicle for her own safety, as well as convenience. So, she told Nate she would hop on the bus that would take her to the stop nearest to the mechanic, and then drive to his place from there. Nate gave her directions, which she struggled to write down with the winter weather going on. Then they prepared to hang up.
“Oh and Allison…one last thing.”
“Yes?”
“Check out of the crap motel before you leave.”
She frowned. “Check out?”
“Yes, I figured something out.”
“Um- okay?” She still wasn’t one hundred percent sure about all of this.
“Please.”
“Okay. See you later. Buh-bye!”
***
Allison breathed a sigh of relief that she had a car again. The fix sure put a dent into her scanty bank account, but she decided it was a sacrifice she ought to make. She signaled her intent to turn and merged out into the road. Nate’s house was the next stop.
“Mommy, where are we going?”
She glanced at Sean in the rear-view mirror and smiled. “You’ll see, it’s a surprise.”
“Ooh, yay!”
Nate’s directions led her to a quiet looking suburban neighborhood on the outskirts of the city. The houses were modestly sized but looked well to do. She pulled into the driveway of a light blue home with the correct number on the mailbox. She killed the ignition, but just sat there motionless in the driver’s seat for a few seconds, staring at rear of Nate’s car directly ahead of her, and questioning her decision to come.
A door on the side of the garage popped open, and Nate appeared. He peaked around the corner and waved.
Allsion waved back, took a breath, and opened the car door.
“Hello again,” Nate said as he ushered Allison and Sean into the garage. “Glad you made it. Let’s get in out of this cold.”
He led them across the dark, cluttered garage. “Watch your step there.”
He opened another door, and soon they were all standing in a homey looking kitchen. They shed their boots and winter coats near the door. Sean wanted to be stubborn and keep his stocking cap on. After all, it was a brand new one that the soup kitchen was handing out the other day, so he was excited about it and didn’t want to lose it. Allison sighed, but just decided to just let him wear it rather than risk starting any sort of tantrum. Nate then brought them down a short hallway to the living room.
“Please, make yourselves at home,” he said, gesturing to a couch and a couple armchairs. “I have a pot of coffee ready; can I get you some?”
“Sure, thanks,” Allison replied.
He turned to Sean. “Would you like some milk or apple juice?”
He bounced up and down. “Milk please!”
“Good boy, got to make those bones nice and strong, right?” He flexed his bicep, and Sean did the same in response. “Coming right up.”
Nate left the room. Allison sat down on the couch and looked around the room. There was a piping hot woodstove in one corner, a piano and a few guitars in another corner…along with a TV and a computer desk to complete the setup. The chill began to melt from her bones. It looked like a home should- there were no holes punched in the drywall or picture frames with shattered glass.
Man I wish we had a place like this…someday.
Allison startled a bit as she noticed she and Sean were not alone in the room. Helen was right there too, quiet as a mouse! She occupied the seat in front of the computer with her back turned towards the couch. It looked like she was engrossed in a game of Solitaire on the screen.
Allison bit her lip and then called out in good cheer. “Hey Helen!
The chair squawked as Helen swiveled around to look behind her. A puzzled expression blanketed her face once again.
Allison softened her voice. “Do you remember me? From the bus station?”
Helen didn’t react at first. Then she just shook her head and turned back to the computer.
Though she would never admit it, Allison felt disappointed by her response. She just wanted to see her happy again, like the previous day. But Maybe it wasn’t meant to be and it just wasn’t her place. Maybe she couldn’t make a difference there after all.
Nate returned with the beverages and set them on the coffee table. He glanced over at Helen.
“Mom, why don’t we give the computer a break for a while…It sounds like it’s working too hard. We don’t want it to crash or worse… you to strain your eyes again.” Nate gently tried to coax her away from the computer and over to the armchair. She cooperated.
Allsion looked nervously at the dangerously tall glass of milk meant for her son.
Woah, not child friendly.
She eyed Sean sternly. “Sean, take a seat on the floor please and keep the milk cup on the table so you don’t spill all over the nice rugs and furniture.”
The boy hopped to the floor, but before he went for the milk, he decided it was time to ditch the stocking cap. He tossed it aside, revealing a sweaty head of hair that already looked all funky and matted.
Helen happened to have been settling into the armchair just as Sean peeled the hat off his noggin.
She took note of it. She noticed him again.
Once again, her expression began to transform.
“Wait a moment…yes, I know who they are now!” Her eyes glistened. “It’s Ruth and Jack! You made it home for Christmas. Oh, God has been good to me!”
Allison felt her spirits lift, and she tried to discreetly wipe her eyes.
Nate smiled. “Yes, yes…in some mystical way, they are here.”
Helen got up out of her chair in a hurry. She began looking around the room frantically. “What day is it really?
“It’s the twenty forth of December…it’s Christmas Eve, Mom.”
She grabbed at the hair on the sides of her head with both hands. “Christmas Eve already? For heaven’s sake! Nothing is ready…we’ve got so much work to do to get the house ready!”
“Easy, Helen. Don’t worry, we’re all here to help,” Allison said with a laugh, as she pressed her palms into the couch cushions. “We’ve got plenty of time to make it work. If Santa can make it around the whole wide world in one night…our job here is a piece of cake.”
She plopped back down in the armchair and released a long exhale. “Well, when you put it that way…I guess you’re right. Bless you my dear.”
“Allison and Sean, can I have your help out in the garage for a few minutes?” Nate got up from the seat he had assumed on the floor near the stove.
“Yeah!” Sean sprang up with a holler, bumping the coffee table and sloshing the darn milk.
Allison just shook her head, sopped up the milk as best she could, and followed the guys.
Out in the garage, Nate turned the lights on and moved a few boxes around. Then she saw it- propped against the back wall, with the end of the trunk in a bucket, was a Christmas tree!
“Sweet, you got a tree.” She grinned at Nate.
He heaved the tree out of the bucket and laid it to the ground. “The pickins’ were a little slim at the tree lot this morning, but I managed.”
Allison took hold of part of the trunk, as did Sean, and prepared to start hauling. “It’ll be perfect.”
They maneuvered the tree into the kitchen and around the corner into the living room. Helen’s jaw dropped open when she saw it.
“We have a Christmas tree again!”
“Yes, we do,” Nate said. “Now, I’m going to go to the basement to first get the stand, and then dig out the boxes of lights and ornaments. Hopefully the lights will work, and once we get those up, you can start choosing ornaments to hang on the tree. Sound like a plan?”
Helen nodded as she continued to gaze at the evergreen. “Oh yes. This is wonderful.”
After the tree was positioned in the stand, Allison quickly found herself in charge of digging through the bins of light strings and the tedious task of untangling them. As each strand was plugged into a nearby electrical outlet to test, they quickly found out that many of them did not work. Still, enough working lights were found to illuminate the tree with multicolor pizazz.
As the ornaments were unboxed, Helen, Sean, and Allison began hanging them on the branches. A little while later, it dawned on Allison that Nate had disappeared, soon after the lights were figured out. She hung one last glittery ball, and then wiped her hands on her pants.
“Excuse me for a moment.”
She tiptoed out into the kitchen, where she found Sean with his back to her, standing at the kitchen sink. The water was running, but it didn’t look like he was doing any dishes, he just stood still.
Her mouth trembled as she stepped closer. “Hey Nate, is everything okay?”
The faucet immediately stopped running and he whirled around, clearly startled. “Yeah, I’m just…cleaning up out here.”
She nodded. “Cool, just checking.”
Nate threw down a dish towel on the counter and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.”
“Nate, it’s okay.” Allison’s stomach knotted as she leaned against a chair.
“Too many memories in those ornament boxes, I thought I could handle it, but no. It’s still feels- it’s just hard.”
Allison stared at the floorboards for a few seconds, then looked up. “What do you want me to do?”
“Go keep having fun with Helen and your boy,” he said, as he waved her back towards the living room. “I’ll come around; I think I just needed a break. I have a chicken I need to start roasting for supper anyway, I’ll get that done now.”
She turned to go. “Let us know if you need anything.”
Part of her didn’t feel right about any of it either. Like she didn’t deserve to experience joy because her life was defective. Still, she knew it wasn’t fair to Sean to live like that, so she determined to figure it out.
***
Later that afternoon when Nate returned to the living room, the tree was all decorated. He smiled at it. He looked a lot happier than before.
“Good work everyone, it looks wonderful.”
He had a rectangular box with him. “Sean, do you want to help me set up a new Christmas tradition?”
Sean’s eyes widened. “What is it?”
Nate got down on his hands and knees next to him. “It’s a model train on tracks that we’re going to set up under the tree! Someone just gave this to me the other day, so I thought now would be the perfect time to try it out.”
Soon the train was set up, giving Sean plenty of entertainment to last until supper was ready. After they ate, Helen and Allison made everyone hot cocoa. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was on TV, so they all settled back into the living room to watch.
The movie ended and Helen rose from her seat. “It’s past my bedtime. Good night, everyone,” she said bluntly. “You young’uns can party the night away I guess.”
Nate chuckled. “Okay Mom we will. Have a good night.”
Soon after Helen had gone up the stairs, Nate went into the other room and came back with a large envelope. A large red bow adorned it.
Allison’s heart skipped as he brought it to her. “Here, this is for you and Sean.”
“Oh wow, what is it?” she asked.
“You checked out of that motel, right?”
She bit her lip. “Yes.” She’d honestly forgotten about her lodging situation in the hustle and bustle of everything.
Nate took a breath. “The parents of one of my students happen to own a bunch of cottages that they rent out to vacationers mostly. But they also have a few cottages that they keep on reserve just for women in your exact situation. It’s a cause that’s always been very important to them.”
“I called them up last night on a whim, and they told me that the one of the occupants just so happened to have moved out the other day to go to her new permanent residence, and there was no wait list or anything.” He smiled at her. “It’s all yours until you can get on your feet again. It’s a beautiful, safe little place.”
Allison felt like crying up as she fingered the envelope. Was this all too good to be true?
He pointed at the packet again. “Keys are in there, as well as a bunch of other information and pamphlets about other services that are out there to help you.”
“I really don’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting this. Thank you!”
“Merry Christmas,” Nate said. “See you in the morning?”
She got up from the couch and took Sean’s hand. “Sure thing.”
***
Christmas Day, 1998
Allison was still in awe that next morning as she woke up to not be staring at moldy water stains on the ceiling of a dirty motel. Nate wasn’t lying, the cottage was beautiful, warm, and clean. She thanked God again for the man and his generous friends, and then rolled out of bed.
“Sean, get up! It’s Christmas Day.” She jostled him gently as he still slept on the cot in the corner of the room. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
A big yawn escaped his mouth. “Yay, Christmas!”
“Let’s get dressed, we’re going back over to Nate and Helen’s house for breakfast. Isn’t that exciting?”
He beamed. “Yeah! So happy Christmas is not bad now.”
A wave of regret came over her. She knew what he was talking about life in their old house with Ray. But that was history…hopefully.
“Me too kiddo, me too.”
***
When they arrived later that morning, Helen went through her same routine of believing Ruth and Jack had just come home for the first time in years. She didn’t seem to have much recollection of their interactions and tree decorating from the day before. It was bittersweet, but what mattered most was that she had pleasure in the moment at hand. That part was inspiring.
When breakfast was over, they gathered back in the living room to open a few small gifts. Allison felt bad she didn’t have anything for Nate. He repeatedly assured her that it was okay, her helping make the magic happen was more than enough for him.
After the gifts, Helen disappeared for a while and came back with a cardboard box.
Nate looked up from the newspaper he had been engrossed in. He gave her a puzzled look. “What’s that, Mom?”
he plopped the box down on the coffee table. “We forgot the most important part! It’s my nativity scene.”
He folded up the paper and tossed it aside. “Oh, you’re right! I’m surprised you knew where that was…I’d forgotten myself.” Nate gestured to her. “Go right ahead, get it out for us.”
Helen did, and she began setting it up on the coffee table. It didn’t look like the classic, typical nativity scene housed in a wooden stable. This “stable” was made to look more like a cave in the side of a hill…it was made of a gray plaster like material. Inside of the opening to the cave, Helen placed all the usual characters of the Christmas story.
Sean was soon enthralled by playing the figurines as well. Allison explained each character to him.
“The light doesn’t work,” Helen said as she repeatedly flipped a switch on the chord that was attached to the cave.
Nate got up with a grunt. “Let me check the junk drawer in the kitchen for a little lightbulb, I’m sure that’s what it is.”
He came back a few moments later and squatted down next to the coffee table. Reaching into the opening, he took out the old light bulb. He shook it next to his ear to test it.
“Yep, busted.” He put the dead one down on the table and replaced it with the new bulb. He glanced at Helen. “Try it now.”
She pressed the button one last time and light exploded inside the nativity scene.
“Yay! Let there be light,” said Allison. “That’s pretty neat.”
After that they all lounged around in the living room for a while. Sean played with the new toys he’d received, Nate went back to his newspaper, and Helen started crocheting.
Allison kept gazing at the nativity scene. Something about it struck her now that it was lit up. There were many cracks in the plaster material that only became apparent as the light oozed through.
She realized that the light was like the true hope and joy of Christmas. Life had left her wounded, inflicting her soul with many painful cracks and holes. But wasn’t that true for everyone? Wasn’t that why Jesus came to earth?
Letting the light spill through those fissures was exactly what she needed to do. She was glad to have taken those first steps that year. Healing wouldn’t be instant, but it was part of a process. It was good to embrace the wonder along the way.
Nate abruptly put the newspaper down again and got up. His face looked thoughtful. He walked across the room and picked up one of his guitars.
He returned to his seat and strummed a few chords. Then he began picking a melody. In a few seconds of listening, Allison found herself swept back to that first night at the bus terminal. The same tune.
“I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” Allison said.
Nate halted playing. “You know it?”
“Yeah, I remember it from when we would go to church at Christmas as a little girl.”
He nodded. “Me too actually. I’ve always loved the melody, but I just learned something new about it.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Oh?”
He handed her the folded-up newspaper. “I was reading an article, fourth page in, about Longfellow and the history of him writing that poem. I guess I’d never really paid much attention to the words until now.”
He rubbed his hand over the frets of his guitar. “It was written during the Civil War, after his son got hurt in battle. Not only that, but his wife had already passed away in a tragic accident a few years earlier1. I guess it goes without saying, but he was feeling awfully low, and it’s painfully obvious in the poetry.”
Allison opened the paper up and skimmed over the article, as well as the complete poem printed below. “Yeah, that’s heavy for sure.”
“Yet somehow, in spite of all that, he still manages to end on a note of finding faith and hope.”
Allison looked at the nativity scene again. “Sounds familiar, huh?”
“Well, thanks to the three of you, I think I’ve finally realized that I can embrace the real meaning of Christmas, even when it’s really hard.” He paused and inhaled deeply. “No, it won’t take all the pain away while we’re alive, but I remember God is here to walk along with us through it all.”
After a few minutes of contemplative silence, he began to strum the tune again and sing. Allison and even Helen joined in on the words too.
Sean climbed up on the couch next to her and snuggled against her side. She stroked his hair and smiled.
“Let that Christmas light in.”
1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Heard_the_Bells_on_Christmas_Day
Fading Blue Owl 